


there's just no place inbetween

by SpaceKid



Series: flashlight [3]
Category: Sanders Sides (Web Series)
Genre: Alcohol Abuse/Alcoholism, Alternate Universe - College/University, Alternate Universe - Hockey, Angst, Bipolar Disorder, Gen, Hallucinations, Hospitalization, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, Mental Illness, Mental Institutions, Mixed Episode, Nondescriptive, Psychosis, Suicidal Thoughts, Suicide Attempt, kind of
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-03-12
Updated: 2020-05-17
Packaged: 2021-02-28 22:01:54
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 4,397
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23114380
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/SpaceKid/pseuds/SpaceKid
Summary: This time the burst of energy wasn’t fun. This time sleepless nights in the studio wasn’t an option. This time the energy in his head didn’t say ‘go’ or ‘create’ it whispered ‘they don't want you here’ and ‘destroy’. It was vague and fast and confusing and Remus finds himself bullying his teammates and going too far, he finds Virgil avoiding him and D more often following. Coach Thomas’s tired looks becoming more and more exhausted and frustrated and even Joan lost the hidden amusement of his antics as he was suspended for three games.
Series: flashlight [3]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1519316
Comments: 8
Kudos: 32





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> This one’s even rougher i think, I have had a mixed episode but don’t remember much of it and also my experience was way different from remus because of the kind of life i live, and mixed episodes are hard to diagnose everyone’s very different! Sorry this took so long i had a depressive episode that kinda blacked out my motivation to do anything.

Something is different this time. There’s a ringing in his ear as he screams at Roman, his older brother though only by minutes. The man in front of him is the one he knows he’s only ever been a reflection of, if he cannot break out of the mirror he will contort it. He will make sure that when Roman looks into this mirror he will see everything he could have been if their parents had just picked the other from the beginning.  
Roman’s voice takes an undercurrent of concern when Remus starts crying uncontrollably, but he’s angry and Roman’s concern makes him even angrier. Remus screams at the image of everything he was supposed to be and says things he doesn’t mean just to make sure that Roman sees him, not the reflection, he’s sick of the reflections. In the back of his mind something reminds him that neither of them are their parents, they aren’t to blame. Remus pretends he doesn’t know that.   
Later he stares into the mirror, the lights are bright, too bright they’ve never been so bright. Something has a grip on his shoulders and the invisible hands threaten to close around his throat, he stares into the mirror and sees the bags under his eyes visible due to his lack of eyeshadow and ringing in his ears sounds more and more like screaming. It’s louder than before, his disheveled hair matches his disheveled mustache full of styling wax from days ago. It feels like the light is getting brighter and brighter.  
D knocks on the bathroom door asking if he’s okay. Remus jerks backwards and the lights are back to normal, the screaming has quieted to a ringing in his ear once again. Remus looks back into his own eyes and tells D he’ll be right out and turns on the sink

This time the burst of energy wasn’t fun. This time sleepless nights in the studio wasn’t an option. This time the energy in his head didn’t say ‘go’ or ‘create’ instead it whispered ‘they don't want you here’ and ‘destroy’ as he whipped in and out of euphoria and devastating anger. It was vague and fast and confusing and Remus finds himself bullying his teammates and going too far. The freshmen tip toe around him, Roman refuses to entertain his antics at all. Payton and Jared decline his invitations and look at him with concern without knowing what to say. He finds Virgil avoiding him and D more often following. Coach Thomas’s tired looks becoming more and more exhausted and frustrated and even Joan lost the hidden amusement of his antics as he was suspended for three games. 

Remus also finds himself considering how easy it would be to die more than he has ever before. He has always been curious and graphic about how it could happen, but that was morbid curiosity, not this. He finds the motivation to find bridges tall enough, buildings high enough that he can sneak into, he bought rope and sharpened his knives, ends up with rope burn and covered in cuts and bruises in no time as he convinces friends and teammates that he’s never been better and scares them away in a familiar way.Yet, he has days where he can’t get out of bed and it sounds like someone is shouting at him for being so terrible and lazy now too? Nights where he can’t sleep because of his racing but they all circle back to how little everyone likes him and how easy it has been to push them away. He keeps track of the times where he’s come to realize he doesn’t remember what he's doing or how he arrived, days blend together and suddenly it's almost spring break. It doesn’t make any more sense than it did before. Only now, it scares him a little.

This is their senior year. Remus knows he has less than two months now to graduation but his grades are falling fast and he can’t bring himself to care, or tell anyone. He’s handing in half finished assignments only working when D and Logan can catch him and drag him into whatever classroom they broke into for their study sessions. He gets lost listening to Logan explain a concept to him again, he was offered a fidget toy after he broke his pen when he spaced out that at least prevented more damage, but couldn’t help this irrational irritation that followed. He finishes the assignment that night, but still doesn’t feel even a little proud of himself for it. The guilt of making Logan and D spend almost the whole evening on a little assignment he could’ve done himself lingers as he lays in bed so exhausted, but his veins feel like they're full of buzzing bees, each one begging him to do something, anything, but nothing gives him the satisfaction he needs. 

Remus grins for the first time in weeks, filled with complete euphoria as he stands on a bridge staring down at the dark water reflecting the orange and blue sunset, wind in his hair and one of his new friends nervously ask if they’re sure this is safe. There are four people including Remus holding onto the bridge. The woman, probably a year or two younger with scars up her arms and a t-shirt that belongs to a boy she dated years ago yells over the wind that she does this all the time, tell them, she nudges a boy with coloured hair who repeats what she said and climbs over the guard with Remus and the girl who’s name Remus forgets. Remus isn’t worried and stops listening as he begins bouncing in place, the bridge clearly much taller than the ones he’s jumped off of with the team when they go out for the summer, but that fact being exactly what thrills him so much. He vaguely hears the other friend’s concern increase and their refusal to jump. Remus feels his hair whip around in the wind as he dramatically rolls his eyes, “If you wanna be a pussy no one’s stopping you, but you can’t stop us either. Quit whining,” he sneers right before he kicks himself off the bridge.  
Remus savours the butterflies in his veins as he’s freefalling in the air, these few seconds feel like hours and as he finally plunges into the cold water entirely submerged and he hears as the other two land in the water. His lungs beg for air and he resurfaces just as the pain becomes unbearable and he laughs maniacally until the others resurface and continues to laugh floating in soaked clothing.

It’s spring break and Remus is free. A week without classes and he’s decided to let go and let out these weird moments he’s been having. He bounces on the beat letting the music vibrate through him as he dances with another stranger whose name he never even asked. The beat pumps through the hardwood floor of the frat house Payton brought a few teammates to.

Remus loses track of time and knows it when his current dance partner dragged him into the bathroom where a few people were crushing pills in a ziploc bag on the bathroom counter. Remus has a half baked conversation with someone who barely replies while his dance partner starts lining up the now crushed substance Remus misses the name of several times. Once one rows gone Remus is shoved forward and listens to the little advice someone gives him that he’s too drunk to listen too, feeling so invincible, so happy, so free Remus has a lazy grin on his face as he agrees moments before Payton rushes in calling Remus’s name. His expression changes to something angry but also so confused as he grabs Remus’s shoulder forcing him to turn towards him as he demands to know “What the fuck are you doing!?”   
Remus laughs at Payton telling him to stop overreacting as Payton reminds Remus that more random drug tests are pretty likely as the season comes to an end. The argument continues as Payton’s shift from anger to concern goes unnoticed by Remus.

There’s blood dripping from his nose to the cement floor of someone’s shitty basement suite. It’s almost rhythmic, he is sitting leaning on a couch he’s never seen before, or maybe he has as he tries to focus his eyes. There’s a shattered window with plastic bags taped over it that lets the cool air float over him making him aware of something wet dripping from his hairline, Remus lifts his head up wobbling a little as he wipes his nose with the back of his hand which comes off bloody and does the same with his forehead that reveals more blood. His head feels so foggy and he wonders if he let himself lose the fight or if someone jumped him. He knows what hockey has done for him physically and doubts some scrawny white twink with a nicotine addiction among others could actually take him down. He looks around and sees people asleep across the floor in various states and aesthetics of dress, half-dried blood splatters on the floor on the other side of the door implies that it was probably a fight that didn’t happen long ago. No clue what time it is, he stands and stumbles realizing that he is not only super drunk but clearly on something else he doesn’t remember making the decision to take. Remus pats his pockets down using the shitty yellow lamp without a shade on it to double check and finding his wallet and his phone with a 7% charge. Remus sees his reflection in a shattered mirror on the floor and feels like he hasn’t seen himself in months. For a moment he remembers watching Roman waste away, remembers the doctor’s appointments, the effort it took to force Roman to eat but the way he came out healthier in the end. This shattered reflection shows him something he doesn’t like, and he makes a decision.


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The bus ride is a bit of a blur and he almost misses the stop outside of the hospital and hops out of his seat to stumble onto the sidewalk. The pale streetlights go out street by street and dusk lights his way to the Emergency Room doors, a few people look up when the doors open but only the triage nurse properly acknowledges him. With his bottle tucked into his pocket he approaches the nurse, the woman looks up and he looks her in the eyes, “I don’t know what's the fuck is happening, but I think I’m going to die if I don’t let someone know”.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> its really been a while folks, and this isnt the end like i'd hoped so theres more coming eventually!  
> lmao imagine the health care system caring this much, also theres a thing with mania and episodes where for some people alcohol (as a depressant) in some amount can help people feel like theyre "slowing down" and help w some self awareness and lucidity during episodes so just so this makes a bit more sense ig

The street lights flicker in and out of vision as the sun begins to rise. His nose bleed has slowed down but he holds his sleeve to his nose. The occupants of the bus seem to be coming home from a night shift or going to the morning shift. Then there’s Remus, he realizes while looking around before the spins come back and his eyes flutter shut. He’s wearing some fishnets that probably aren’t his under ripped jeans that definitely are his and an equally torn up t-shirt with a jacket that he’s becoming more and more convinced also isn’t his. His facial hair is a little more grown out that he usually lets it get patchy in the cheeks where he can’t grow a beard. His chest feels hollow and full of ants, he takes another swig of the water bottle full of alcohol he filled before leaving the strangers house. He’s getting glares from middle aged women who are deeply unhappy in their lives and think he’s an affront to theirs. 

And maybe he is, maybe he’s just here to disrupt and destroy other people’s lives. Who his parents had always declared him to be.

* * *

The bus ride is a bit of a blur and he almost misses the stop outside of the hospital and hops out of his seat to stumble onto the sidewalk. The pale streetlights go out street by street and dusk lights his way to the Emergency Room doors, a few people look up when the doors open but only the triage nurse properly acknowledges him. With his bottle tucked into his pocket he approaches the nurse, the woman looks up and he looks her in the eyes, “I don’t know what's the fuck is happening, but I think I’m going to die if I don’t let someone know”. 

* * *

It’s just before 6am when Roman’s phone wakes him up, he answers without checking who’s calling him so early. “‘ello?”

“Roman Prince?” A professional sounding woman on the other end asks, Roman makes a sound of affirmation. “Hello, Mr Prince, I am calling on behalf of your brother Remus Prince at St.Clare's hospital. You were listed as his emergency contact and so we would like you to come to our hospital as soon as you can to inform you about his condition and treatment plan”.

Roman’s veins are suddenly full of ice as he shoots out of bed, “What? Are you sure it's him? Is he okay?” he asks, suddenly rushed imagining worst case scenarios. Remus refuses to go to the hospital for broken bones and missing teeth and Roman can only imagine what must have happened for Remus to be in a hospital a few cities over. 

“He’s just being observed right now on a minimum 72 hour suicide watch” the woman cuts off Roman’s train of thought, “He admitted himself this morning and listed you as next of kin to help make the decisions on how to progress. Remus is fine, we just need you for some paperwork and to support him, but cannot disclose much else over the phone. Do you have any questions?” she asks.

That in itself is a stupid question, because Roman has  _ millions _ of questions right now, but can’t figure out how to ask them, “N-no, not right now”, he answers shakily.

“Thanks for your time, Mr. Prince. When you arrive we will be able to give you more information. See you soon” 

The phone clicks signifying she has hung up and for a moment Roman just holds his phone and stares at it blankly until the screen goes black. He stands up and throws on a shirt and jogging pants, throwing his wallet and keys in his pockets and grabs a hoodie. His heart has been racing since he got off the phone and he can’t help but tremble a little as he puts on his shoes, then hesitates. Quickly, he runs back down the hallway and into Remus’s room, thankfully unlocked, grabs an empty bag and begins throwing in extra clothes, a phone charger, and heading back to the kitchen to grab granola bars. In his panicked rush he had forgotten to be quiet and heard D open his bedroom door. 

“Why the fuck are you running around this early?”, he hisses, intimidation not as strong due to his bedhead, yellow boxers, and hoodie that he clearly stole from another teammate.

“Remus is on suicide watch a few cities over, they couldn’t tell me much but they need me there. There has to be some misunderstanding, but I can call you when I know more,” Roman says hollowly, crossing to the front door.

D rushes and catches his arm, “Jesus- Roman, are you okay to go alone? Should I get dressed? Call someone?” concern for both brothers seeping through leaving no room for the usual teasing tone.

Roman gives him a small smile, not at all concealing the stress in his furrowed brow, “D, it’s a long drive, and we don’t have practice today everyone's probably trying to sleep in a little. They don’t need to worry until we know there’s something to worry about. You know how how he is, he probably just got caught being stupid or something and someone called the cops”.

Placated, D lets go of Roman’s arm, “Okay, but you better call me when you get there, Princey”.

“I will”, Roman closes the door behind him.

* * *

The drive is two hours of quiet radio pop that does nothing to distract Roman from racing speculations on what the vague phone call from early this morning may mean. The sun rose warmly along the horizon and Roman sped a little during the second half of the drive. 

* * *

Roman is able to find a parking spot near the main entrance of the hospital, calls D for a minute as he pays for parking and has to speak to three nurses before he figures out that Remus is likely still being kept in the ER. He’s given instructions on finding triage, where finally a nurse is waiting. She waves over another nurse who grabs a file and leads him to a small room with filing cabinets and a table with two chairs. She gestures for him to sit in one chair and then she sits in the other, opening the file. “I wasn’t quite expecting you to be twins,” She smiles gently, “Usually, emergency contacts are a parent or older relative”.

Some part of Roman bristles at the comment but he shoves it down, “I’m older by almost fifteen minutes if that helps” he attempts to match her tone.

She nods, “So, normally we would do this with the patient present, but in the last few hours he has become distressed when we tried to talk about his admission and condition with or near him, he has already said he wants to see you and that we have permission to tell you what is going on. Remus walked into the ER about four hours ago, requesting care stating that he was scared that he was going to die-”.

Roman feels almost as though someone had thrown a bucket of ice water at him, the panic from earlier settling in again “He walked himself in?” he cuts in, “He was by himself? We nearly had to wrestle him in when we were sure he broke his leg during a game”.

“Yes, he walked in alone, he told us that he had woken up unsure about where he was and took the bus here. He said that he was going to kill himself, either intentionally or accidentally with his current behaviour. When he arrived we did a physical exam and found a fractured rib, and Remus was very willing to comply and answer questions, which is what lead to the decision to keep him in suicide watch. He has expressed a lot of reckless behaviour with and without the intent to cause himself harm, as well as violence against others, does this sound like normal behaviour for him?” she calmly prompts Roman.

“I mean, it’s almost more surprising he was cooperative, he’s always rough on himself and others, but he’s not dangerous. Is it worth keeping him under suicide watch? Can’t I just take him home, we live and go to school two hours away” Roman begins fidgeting with his hands, bending his fingers uncomfortably to keep himself grounded as he tries to read the file upside down, but struggling due to the unfamiliar handwriting

She shakes her head, “I understand your reaction, but it’s in his best interests to let us observe him for at least 24 hours, then we will consider transferring him to a closer hospital for the remaining 48 for suicide watch, if we think we should keep him here it will only be until the end of the 72 hours, then he will either be released to you, or if it’s determined he would benefit from further treatment he would be transferred there anyway because their facility has more space and is better staffed at the moment. If we send him tomorrow, they will decide if he needs to stay longer at their psychiatric treatment ward or not. Your brother has disclosed a history of suicidal thoughts with an estimated minimum of 2 attempts in the last three years, a history of self harm and reckless behaviour that may or may not be intended as self harm, episodes of amnesia, and current suicidal thoughts”. Roman nods along unsure of what to say when someone who you thought you knew like the back of your hand has someone else tell you that you’ve always been wrong.

“About an hour ago we realized he had alcohol on his person and have confiscated it, and before that we suspected maybe a minor overdose causing his erratic behaviour, so when we did some blood work we also tested for drugs in his system”. She pauses for a moment, “Roman, your brother tested positive for alcohol, marijuana, nicotine, and small amounts of amphetamines, and opioids. Not enough to make sense of his behaviour, but still a cause for concern. The amphetamines are likely the prescription adderall, but he seems to be honestly unaware of where he may have come across opioids. Your brother seems to now be going in and out of understanding where he is and on his willingness to comply, luckily we had dealt with much of the paperwork while he was more conscious, but we are hoping you could fill any blanks we have on his charts and talk to him so he understands what is happening so we can move him into a room”.

Roman feels her words wash over him in waves of anxiety, each worse than the last. His hands shaking as they grasp at each other, “Y-yeah, I’ll help however I can. Those kinds of drugs have to show up in urine tests, we do them like, three times a year for hockey, so there’s no way that's something he could’ve hidden though right?” She nods writing something down in the file, “Did he tell you, uhm, when he tried-” Roman cuts himself off, wincing and refusing eye contact.

“No, that’s something you would have to get him to tell you. A few things are that we are going to recommend Remus stop the Adderall prescription as soon as possible, have him speak to the drug and alcohol addictions counsellor while he is here, and a psychiatrist once he’s moved into a room. I have some resources for you for now,” she passes a few pamphlets, “ I think we’re done for now. Find me after and I’ll ask you some questions, but now let me bring you to Remus?”

Roman agrees and follows her down another hallway until she pulls back the curtain on a pale, gaunt Remus crushing cheerios with his fingers, connected to an IV next to him.

It takes a few moments before Roman steps forward and sits in the chair next to the bed Remus is sat in, “Roman!” he shouts, noticing him for the first time, sounding both ecstatic and exhausted.

“Volume,” the nurse says behind him in the tone that suggests they’ve been reminding him since his arrival.

“Remus” Roman says, throwing on a fake smile, completely lost on how to even begin having a conversation with your suicidal brother who’s never mentioned it before and seems to currently not think it’s an important discussion to have, “I brought you clothes, food, and your charger, I thought you’d need it” is what he decides on. 

Remus reaches out as fluidly as he can with a visible tremor taking over his body periodically, “Awe, what a gift. I guess that means you can’t get me outta here,” he rolls his eyes and blows a raspberry into the air. 

Roman holds the bag out to him, “No, I can’t, you understand why right?” he grips it as Remus tries to rip it out of his hand, “Remus, look at me”, he says, forcing the other to make eye contact before releasing the bag.

Remus pulls the bag to him, “So, I scared them a little, that’s not new! I walked myself in, I let someone know what’s been happening, why can’t they just let me walk and keep their little file on record for when I actually need their help” he says just on the side of too flippant about the situation that makes Roman’s blood boil in rage, but brings it down to a simmer as he begins to realize that something is wrong, and whatever it is makes it hard for Remus to recognize it on his own.

“‘What’s been happening’ is you told them you were going to kill yourself, that you told them you’ve tried to before, that you fractured another rib, that there's drugs in your system that could get you kicked off the team-”

Remus starts laughing but there's an uncomfortable note to it and Roman can’t help but think that each movement must hurt, “Fuck!” he yells once in between laughter before letting it die off, “There’s what you care about, to think I thought it was a good idea to let them call you. All you care about is our goddamned college hockey team, about the fucking reputation”

“That’s not true! I care because I know you care about this team too! We have less than one semester left with this team, at this school before we graduate. I know you, you don’t spend three years doing something you don’t care about” Roman defends, his brother knowing exactly which buttons to press making it increasingly harder to be the understanding and supportive person he’s sure Remus needs. Maybe he should’ve let D come, or let him call someone else to, someone who could be what Remus needs right now.

“I don’t even know me anymore! How can you?” Remus yells voice sharp and full of venom, “You have all your shit together, all we had to do was walk you into a hospital and they knew exactly what was wrong with you. I came here because I wanted answers and all I got was a bunch of questionnaires, a phone call home, and a slap on the hands. I don’t want any of those things anymore, things change”, his voice drops into a harsh whisper just before a nurse walks in.

“Things okay here, boys?” She says with the tone that means she knows it isn’t but is willing to drop it.

“Yeah, we’re good” Roman says, once it’s clear Remus is refusing to, “If there's anyone know knows you and can help you, it's gonna be me and the team, but you're going to have to work on knowing when to let us. The nurses said they might be moving you to the hospital back home for convenience and their ward has more space. If they don’t I’ll come visit you here again, okay?” He stands up and ruffles Remus’s hair, immediately grimacing at the texture before turning to the nurse, “I was told there’s a few more questions his nurse wanted me to answer? I can do that before I leave” he follows her out and closes the curtain on Remus behind him.


End file.
